A (satirical) Holiday Card from Republican Lawmakers:
Season’s Greetings from Lansing to All Our Friends!
It’s that time of year Michigan Republicans like to share what the kids in Congress have been up to — capping-off another year of magic and wonder for the whole gang.
Santa came early for Michigan Republicans. And boy did they get spoiled this year! First they eagerly ripped open a package from Governor Snyder himself . Wow! — it was a Magic Kit!
Our Republican lawmakers, not being the brightest kids (shhh! They don’t know), nonetheless pulled-off an amusingly amateurish magic show in the lame duck session, complete with clever slight-of-hand tricks. (Rep. Wayne Schmidt was disappointed there weren’t actual ducks. Remember last year when he got a Candy Land game?) Like all aspiring prepubescent magicians, the legislators assembled to produce obvious distractions in the form of the Right-to-Work and the Concealed Weapons bills. And while everyone wasn’t looking… POOF!… they dealt, from the bottom of the deck, multiple blows to Michigan’s democracy.
Indeed, it was a magical week for Michigan Republicans. The good boys and girls pounced on the generous pile of Tea Party gifts with a childish zeal and squeal.
There they found the neatly wrapped Emergency Manager 2.0! Having had so much fun with last year’s version, this one is bound to be an even bigger hit with the kids in Lansing. For starters, it’s got all kinds of cool new options. First they choose an avatar, called a “local dictator”. They then arm him with “super powers” and identify a target — a city or school that looks ripe for plunder. (Their generous governor has worked feverishly to broaden the available selection by further impoverishing most of the states’ units of government through withholding revenue sharing and school funding. He gave all the money to the corporate “toy makers” instead –this keeps the cycle of fun going on-and-on you see….it’s called “trickle-down”, which makes the kids just giggle and giggle.) Next, the target of choice is publicly tormented and humiliated with an array of truly impossible options. The game progresses as the local leaders are painted as being incompetent and corrupt imbeciles by a complicit corporate-owned media (bought through special bonus points) ultimately enabling the dictator to take full control and systematically destroy the city or school.
How fucking cool is that!
Another favorite under the Tea Party tree was the Political Imperviability Cloak. Very Harry Potterish. All the Republicans wanted one. New this year, and in hot demand. It doesn’t make them invisible, it just makes them impervious to the consequences of their actions. This toy has been a top elfin design priority ever since the wave of recalls in 2011, and was fast-tracked into mass production in the wake of the recent Right-to-Work fun and games. It makes lawmakers virtually impossible to recall no matter how poorly they behave. Now wrapped in their super-power cloak, all they needed was a really cool weapon — that way, nothing could stop them!
But sadly, in these hard times, every Christmas holds some disappointment for the little ones.
This year the Michigan legislature had their Red Ryder BB gun dreams shattered. They were so close to finally talking the grown-ups into letting them take their shiny six-shooters to school, along with their Special Forces Heckler and Koch 416 with EOTech Holosight, AN/PEQ-15 Infrared and Visible Laser Module Assault Rifle and Bayonet….. Just imagine, they had their little hearts set on it — “Hey, all the other states are doing it! The NRA will give me a big A+ and maybe a sticker! We promise, we’ll be really really careful with them. No one will get hurt! Pleeeeeeze?”
Alas, Gov. Snyder said “no” — something about Connecticut, whatever that means. Maybe next year….
All in all, it was a great year for the Tea Party kids in Lansing, and the Christmas Season truly was magical. They look forward to another year of mischievous fun!
Merry Christmas from Michigan Lawmakers…May peace reign on Earth.
Amy Kerr Hardin This article also appears in Voters Legislative Transparency Project